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i want to be a romantic failure

something we did changed everything

8/1/13 03:36 pm - life.

i am currently reading "machine of death" -- a collection of stories about a machine that predicts, with sometimes vague but always accurate statements, how you are going to die. you stick your finger in the machine, it takes a small sample of blood, and it spits out a ticket that has a word or a few words such as "cancer" or "friendly fire" or "suffocation." and that's how you die. in these stories, people try to avoid their deaths (in one example, a woman gets "tree" as her death ticket, so she becomes a recluse and never leaves her house), but it always comes somehow.

it is an interesting concept. i certainly would NOT want to know how i'm going to die. i think it would ruin my living to obsess over the circumstances of my dying.

randomly, i looked up two of my favorite claimants - just to check in on them - and found out they both died shortly after i transitioned their claims to long term disability. i don't know why it shocked me, as they both had stage iv cancer, but it did. i can still hear their voices in my head. they were the sweetest men, always positive, always lovely to speak with and so nice to me -- which is rare, in this industry.

i am having a hard time balancing my own life's happiness w/ a constant exposure to illness and death in my work and now, in my reading.

it's hard to remember to take life day by day, to appreciate the beauty and wonder of the world and not get lost in petty bullshit administrative things that we have to do.

as always, i will resolve to love harder, laugh louder, live more vibrantly.

i encourage you all to do the same.


4/23/13 09:32 am - moving.

in exactly 37 days, i will be driving south and i will not be coming back (for a long time, at least).

it is becoming increasingly hard for me to be excited about this.

i spent my whole life saying that i wanted to live in north carolina. well, now that wish has been granted.

i created a new england "bucket list" of things i wanted to do in the area before i am no longer a resident.

in the last 2 months, i have been reconnecting with old friends, visiting old haunts, and drowning in nostalgia.

it makes me sad to remember how happy i was.

i visited cape cod this weekend and my heart swelled with the beauty of the place. i wish i had loved it more and taken more advantage of it when i lived there for 3 months, when i visited there every week for 2 years. now it's too late. i went to some of my favorite places and also discovered some new favorite places and i spent time with people who i let drift away for far too long.

but now what?

in a few weeks, i will be visiting dartmouth/westport for a final goodbye and i'm sure i will be flooded with the same sentimental feelings.

i have to keep reminding myself that i am the one who creates and controls my happiness. i have to keep telling myself that i can be happy anywhere, that i can learn to love new people and new places as deeply as i have loved new england. and if i can't, i can always leave. i can come back.

i know these things, but they're hard to remember.

3/5/13 10:19 pm - adult

being an adult is stressful.

after spending hours on end apartment-hunting, i finally found a place. i placed a deposit, have an apartment on hold, and am supposed to pick up my keys next friday.


of course my employer posts a job listing in Charlotte, NC today, throwing a wrench in everything.

i have alwayssssss wanted to live in NC - it is my most favorite state. and i love my job. and i told myself that if the posting became available, i would take it as a sign and apply.

sooo. i am going to apply.

but here's the problem: applying means that i am also going to have to forfeit my lease and apartment. what happens if i don't get transferred? then i have to start the apartment search all over again because the exact unit i want (and the price) aren't going to wait for me.

i am going to see if there is any way i can defer signing a lease and maybe set up a month to month thing until my plans are definite, but i am worried that i may be sacrificing a place where i could be happy for a place of isolation and starting over.

note to self: you have ALWAYS wanted to live in nc. you have no ties here. no boyfriend, no family, no lease (currently). this is the BEST opportunity you have ever been given. stop worrying about a lousy apartment and jump.

in i go...

6/25/12 11:24 pm - my history

trying to start writing again. when i am in a relationship, i lose my words. things end, things begin [i feel like i am always saying that and i feel like it is always true]. there was a nice boy who turned into a not so nice boy in the end. we had a not so nice ending. and - of course - there's a new nice boy. stay tuned.



my history:
timelines like wrinkles in the sheets.
i scan each new face
for old yous,
a familiar signpost,
a new map,
a different territory,
a similar feeling.

my love:
histories like a civil war between head and heart.
i scan each new battle
for old arguments,
a familiar complaint,
a new voice,
a different word,
a similar disappointment.

my timelines:
love like months upon a calendar.
i scan each new beginning
for old endings,
a familiar discontent,
a new desire,
a different motivation,
a similar leaving --
as they all do --
ushering in new years,
new yous,
new failures,
same sadness.

1/4/12 11:55 pm - so this is the new year

Another year, another list of resolutions. Here is what I propose for 2012:

- Pay off car loan (still owe 9k on it - though I consider it more of a school loan than anything, since I had to sell my awesome car to buy this POS. By this time next year I am hoping to have a sweet new whip)

- Go to gym 3x a week (I've been going to the gym pretty regularly since I moved to CT, which makes it all the more depressing that I've gained 5lbs. WTF. But like everyone else in the world, one of my dreams is to lose weight. So here I am sticking w/ my routine and getting back on MyFitnessPal to watch my food intake and exercise. In ideal land, I would love to lose 10 lbs, 20 lbs is my goal weight, and 30 lbs is my dream weight. As in 'keep dreaming.')

- Play piano 3x a week (Now that I have a creative suite all set up in the basement and two new piano books, I'm hoping this won't be too hard to accomplish.)

- Read @ least 3 books a month (I am knocking this one out of the park and reading at least 1 book a week right now. Of course, once my work picks up a bit, I won't have leisure time for lunch-reading anymore. Still, I'm hoping to keep up w/ this goal)

- Be more considerate of other people

- Do not cut hair, no matter how tempting it is! (I made the mistake - again - of trying bangs. I am desperately waiting for them to grow back out. It's only been about 2 months and I am getting quite impatient. Also, I had taken the plunge last year and chopped off nearly 10 inches of hair. It is growing back faster than usual, but I wish I were more like that doll whose hair could grow instantly if you pumped her arm up and down)

- Pay off car insurance for the year (boring, i know)

- Change all addresses over to CT

- Get CT plates and change over all car stuff to CT

Not the most exciting list, but I think that most of those are obtainable, so I'm pretty happy with it. 2011 had a bunch of ups and downs and ended on a high and I'm hoping to carry over this feeling of content into 2012. Here's to a new year!

2/8/10 02:53 pm

sometimes i just really don't understand why i do the things i do.

had a vag-tastic weekend full of awesome girlfriends and vagina monologues.

life is good.

9/5/09 07:12 pm - tout raison

i feel like i am finally starting to pull myself together again.

i am done with eric. he is a pathetic liar.

i haven't really had any classes yet, but i'm not worried about academics.

RA stuff is good. i really enjoy it, though i wish i felt closer to my staff members.

i auditioned for the acapella group. retha and katie and jackie and i have started a new club- "sacc" - scrapbooking and crafting club. i'm pumped. sail is good (though overwhelming sometimes). i'm SO happy i don't work for torch anymore.

i went back to ruby tuesday today after like 3 weeks off and it was nice to be waitressing again. after that, i took myself to my private (!) gym in maple ridge. it was nice. my goal for the end of the semester is to be able to run two miles without stopping. and to go at least 4 times a week (though my schedule was SUPER crazy this week...i hope it settles down a little bit).

the fall is making me nostalgic. it smells and feels like fall already. i need to get gingerbread and cinnamon scented things for my room so i can feel like fall 24/7. i'm so ready for cardigans and jackets and cool nights.

my love life is...lacking. but i'm okay with it. this is time for me to pull myself together and get re-acquainted with who i have become over the last couple of months. i still get upset thinking about eric sometimes, but i'm pushing past it.

i kind of wish i had a friend with benefits type of thing going on right now. but whatever. what is meant to happen, will.


7/2/09 03:28 am - 23.

So far, 23 is off to a great start, though I'm only three hours into it.

I just got back from a 4 mile bike ride / 4 mile walk. It was dark and kind of tiring for my muscles because I also went to the gym and did 5 miles today haha.

I was kind of feeling down on myself because I've been working out so hard and eating as well as I can with occasional (and deserved) snacking and haven't really seen any results. But today, I looked in the mirror and realized that my legs have REALLY changed. I have very defined calf muscles and my upper thigh flab is tightened up. If only the rest of me would catch up.

Oh well.

I've gone on exercise binges before, but I've never truly enjoyed it as much as I am enjoying it this summer. I've gone pretty hardcore, for myself. I'm trying to embrace the physical side of myself because I've been held captive by my fear / my body for far too long. By the time RA training comes around, I want to be able to participate in all of the games and not feel embarrassed by my physical uncertainty. I have been going to the gym nearly every day and ALSO going for a jog or a bike ride every night (at like 3 because that's when I get my energy haha).

Today, I went to the gym and then lounged around and picked Addie up. We went out for a lovely dinner and then picked Olivia up and went to see "Away We Go." I absolutely loved it and will soon own it. It really made me think about life, love and relationships in general. Who I want to be. How I want to be. When we got back, I biked down to Olivia's and we walked from her house to UMD and around Ring Road, then back and then I biked back. Now I'm doing laundry. I know it's 3:30 am. haha.

Tomorrow, I am meeting up with my mom and sister for lunch and shopping, then I have to work, and then I am going clubbing in Boston with Kate, her brother and Steph Luz. Should be...interesting!

I have to work the rest of the week until the 6th, when I am leaving to go down to Virginia to pick up the AT hikers! My co-pilot bailed so now I'm praying that Kate will be able to come, or else I may have to do the ride solo, though Olivia said she may be able to go. All I know is that I definitely don't want to go by myself.

I also know that I am going to molest Eric upon sight. I can't wait to see him. I hope our spark is still there. I hope he's every bit as great as I have built myself up to believe that he is.

Should be a fun first couple weeks as a 23 year old. Start my new job at SAIL/ go back to work at Ruby's on the 15th.

Life is good :)

7/22/08 02:40 pm - living.

i think that once my lease is up, i am going to get my own apartment. just me. and maybe a pet or two.

i've already started looking at listings. haha.

6/12/08 12:19 am - This was my day:

- Stay up until 3 a.m. watching the usual trashy television (Super Sweet Sixteen/A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila)

- Wake up at 10:30

- Swim at UMD for two hours until the pool closes

- Walk a mile on the treadmill and ride a mile on the bike

- Come home and make/eat lunch with Kate and Adrienne

- Go to UMD to play tennis with Chris

- Foodshopping

- Walk to downtown with Chris and eat at NoProblemo (fucking delicious!!!)

- Hang out with Cardaci, Kristin and Jenna

...yeah, I'd say this summer is gonna be awesome. :)
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